(Inner) Light and Livelies

Is your life a bowl of queries? Do you feel fun-impaired? Are you taking the Quaker testimony on humorlessness too seriously? As the elders of Balby used to say, "Lighten up." If you have a story or joke that seems in any way Friendly, please feel free to share it here. We'd be delighted to hear from you. Just email Anthony Manousos at  Friendsbul@aol.com.

Crossing the raging river

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ..and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge

Memorial Meeting

A newcomer to Friends attended a memorial meeting for an elderly woman. During this meeting for worship, many expressed their love and appreciation so movingly that there wasn’t a dry eye in the Meetinghouse. When the Meeting was over, the man turned to his neighbor and said, "The messages were so beautiful, and so moving, I can’t wait until my mother dies so she can have a memorial meeting just like this!"

Charity Begins At Home?

A fund raiser for a Quaker charitable organization called up a rich man and explained some of the projects that her organization was doing on behalf of the poor and oppressed.

"Look here," said the rich man. "You have no idea of my situation. Do you realize that my mother is in a nursing home that cost five thousand dollars a month? My sister just had a serious illness that cost tens of thousands of dollars, and she has no medical insurance. Plus, my son has been arrested for drugs, and needs $20,000 in bail money, not to mention legal fees…"

"How hard on you all this must be on your family," said the fund raiser sympathetically.

"You’re absolutely right," said the rich man. "And if I don’t give any of these losers a nickel, why should I give any money to people I don’t even know!"

Random Acts of Kindness

A hair stylist went to Meeting and heard a message about "random act of kindness." So she decided to pick one customer a day and give him or her a free hair cut.

When she finished cutting a man’s hair, he asked her how much it cost, and she replied:

"Don’t worry about it. This is a random act of kindness. It’s absolutely free."

The man was very grateful and thanked her.

The next morning, the man returned and told her, "I’m a house painter, and I was so impressed by what you did, that I’d like to paint your salon for free."

The woman thanked him, and said it wasn’t necessary, but he insisted.

That day when she finished cutting another man’s hair, and she told him that it was a "random act of kindness," he was also very thankful.

The next morning he showed up and told her, "I’m a plumber, and I’d like to fix your sinks for free."

Later that day she cut the hair of a banker. When she told him that his haircut was her a "random act of kindness," the banker was also quite impressed.

The following morning, ten bankers showed up at her salon, looking for a free haircut.

The Quaker's Place in Heaven

A Quaker died and went to heaven. When he arrived, St. Peter asked him if he'd like to see the "many mansions" in which people of different faith were housed. The Quaker was curious, so St. Peter took him to a very large room filled with the people.

"Who are they?" the Quaker asked.

"They are the Baptists," replied St Peter.

"I'm impressed," said the Quaker. "I never realized how many good Baptists there were."

Then St. Peter took him to another even larger room filled with even more people.

"Who are these?" asked the Quaker.

"These are the Catholics," replied St Peter.

"That's even more impressive," said the Quaker.

"Would you like to see the room for Quakers?" asked St Peter.

When the Quaker replied affirmatively, St Peter took him to a room vastly larger than both the other rooms put together, and containing far more people.

"This is unbelievable," said the Quaker. "I had no idea there were so many Quakers."

"Actually," replied St Peter. "This room is for those who don't know what they believe."

A True Story About a Unisex Bathroom

In order to apply the "Equality Testimony," a Yearly Meeting decided to implement unisex bathrooms. On the first day, an 80-year-old Quaker lady was leaving the shower when a man walked into the bathroom. The story began circulating around Yearly Meeting, and finally a friend of the Quaker lady saw her and said, "I heard that you had an encounter with a man in the bathroom this morning."

The Quaker lady replied with great dignity: "It was not as exciting as you might imagine."

Letter from a Dissatisfied Reader of Friends Bulletin

Dear Editor: When I first subscribed to Friends Bulletin a year ago, I was told that if I wasn’t completely satisfied at the end of the year, I could have my money back. Well, I would like to have it back.

On second thought, to save you the trouble, please apply it towards next year’s subscription.—Titus Wadley, Scottsville, Arizona.

The Light Bulb Quiz*

How many _________ does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Charismatics? Only one since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

2.. Presbyterians? None. God has predestined when the lights will

be on. And off.

3.. Baptists? CHANGE???????

4.. Pentecostals? Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

5.. Catholics? None. They always use candles.

6.. Episcopalians? Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

7.. Unitarians? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship to your light bulb and present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

8. Church of Christ (Texas Dispensation)? None. There's no evidence that light bulbs were ever changed in New Testament times.

9. Quakers? "How Many Quakers Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb? " (Amhara Powell In "... the Light That Shineth in Darkness..." Orange Grove Monthly Meeting Pasadena, California)

10. Lutherans. There is some question here. But we have it on good authority that they have appointed a comittee to study the issue and report back at their next meeting.

11. Televangelists? One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

12. Methodists? Three hundred. Twelve to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee, which appoints the House Committee. Eight to sit on the House Committtee, which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee, which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb. Those four then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while one actually does the installation. After completion it takes one hundred individuals to complain about the method of installation and another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all. 

How Can I Keep From Snoring?

(Parody lyrics by Bridge City Preparative Meeting, Portland, OR)

Easter and First Day School

A Quaker First Day school teacher asked her class if any of them knew what Easter was.

"Oh yes, I do," said Rebecca.

"What is it?" asked the teacher.

"It's when we all dress up in costumes and ask for candy."

"No, Rebecca, I'm afraid that's not right," replied the teacher. "That's Hallowe'en. Now can anyone explain Easter."

"Oh, I know," said Martin.

" Yes, Martin, please explain it to us."

"Easter is when we put up a tree in the house and we all get gifts."

"No, Martin, that's Christmas, not Easter. Does anyone else know?"

"I do, I do," said Bart.

"Okay, Bart, give it your best shot," said the teacher.

"Easter is when Jesus was crucified, and was was buried in a tomb...." said Bart.

"That's very good, Bart. Can you tell us what happened next?"

"Well, three days later he gets out of his tomb and if he doesn't see his shadow, that means winter is going last another month."

The Bible According to Kids

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., has bad spelling been left in).

In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the

world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slew the Philistines with the ax of the Apostles.

Moses let the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they de unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Then the three Wise Guys from the East arrived and found Jesus in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Heaven Gone Hi-Tech

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if G-d decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing something like this:

"Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for requests.

Press 2 for giving thanks.

Press 3 for complaints.

Press 4 for other inquiries."

What if G-d used the familiar excuse, "I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call G-d?

"If you would like to speak to:

… Gabriel, press 1.

… Michael, press 2.

… For a directory of other Angels, press 3.

… If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you hold, press 4.

… To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 5.

Enter her or his Social Security number, then press the # key. If you get a negative response, try area code 666.

… For reservations to My Father's House, enter JOHN followed by 3:16.

… For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark is, please wait until you arrive in Heaven.

… Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact you local pastor."

Used in an invocation at a Whittier Rotary Club meeting by Mike Blakemore, September 2000.

Where Do Pets Come From?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

QUAKER OATS THREATENS TO SUE QUAKER OAKS CHRISTMAS TREE FARM

Dear Mr. William Lovett,

I am the attorney at the Quaker Oats Company responsible for trademark matters. As you probably know, our company manufactures numerous food products, the most famous of which is oatmeal. In addition to having used the Quaker Oats name as our company name for close to 100 years, we have registered the Quaker name as a trademark.

It was therefore quite a surprise to discover that you are operating a business under the name "Quaker Oats Christmas Tree Farm." Your use of our trademark is likely to mislead consumers into believing that your business is associated with the Quaker Oats Company. It is also likely to weaken our very strong trademark. In light of the foregoing, we hereby demand that you immediately stop all use of the "Quaker Oats" name…. While we would like to settle this matter amicably, we will take all steps which are necessary and appropriate to protect our name.—Sincerely, Janet L. Silverberg, counsel.

Dear Janet Silverberg,

My breakfast this morning—rolled oats by the way—was interrupted by the arrival of your letter via FedEx, which was delivered to us despite the fact that you have misspelled our company name which is Quaker OAKS Christmas Tree Farm. Our farm was so named because religious services were held outdoors on this farm under a great oak tree until about ten years ago when we were able to move into our new Meetinghouse on another corner of our farm.

Our business is 100% owned and operated by Quakers. I suspect that your firm employs considerably fewer, if any, Quakers. We trace our Quaker ancestors back 320 years and they were mostly farmers, but I don’t know how many of them grew oats for your company. My guess is that you may be selling far more Lutheran oats, Methodist oats, or maybe atheist oats. Could your company be guilty of product source misrepresentation?

We don’t know why you choose to associate your commercial products with our faith, but we supposed you feel there is some marketing value from it. If you were selling machine guns, roulette wheels or some other product offensive to our Quaker faith, we would be upset by the association, but since we find your products wholesome and enjoyable, we consider your use of our name a compliment. We invite you to visit our farm to verify that we are indeed Quaker Oaks Christmas Tree Farm. If you come in December, we’d be happy to sell you a tree! —Sincerely, William Lovett, Visalia, California.

Some Zen Wisdom and Words of Appreciation

a talk given at an Authors' Party by the Editor of Friends Bulletin (February 23, 2002)

Friends, I’d like to begin by sharing with you some Zen wisdom that a Friend sent me recently via the Internet. To protect the guilty I will not mention her name. I hope that these pearls of wisdom will help us to center down on what truly matters:

In case you want to ponder these thoughts, I have posted them along with other pearls, both cultured and not so cultured, on our Quaker humor website, "Life is a bowl of queries." You can find it at westernquaker.net, our new URL.

Friends have been very kind to me as editor of Friends Bulletin, and I get lots of appreciation—far more than I in fact deserve, especially with jokes like these. As I reflect on my job as editor, I see it as being like that of the arrangements clerk at a pot luck dinner. The arrangements clerk doesn’t really deserve credit for the quality of food that appears as if by magic, or an act of grace, on these blessed or sometimes just plain lucky occasions. The credit belongs to those who lovingly prepared the meals. That’s why we are here tonight, to honor those who have lovingly contributed spiritual nourishment to Friends through their contributions to Friends Bulletin. So let’s hear it for the "the cooks"—our writers and artists!

Speaking of cooks and arrangements, I’d like to thank those who have involved in setting up tonight’s festivities, particularly, Helen-Jeanne Munter, who could not be here tonight but has been incredibly helpful and conscientious. I also want to thank those who helped with arrangements: Judith Favor, Mary Diaz, Charleen Krueger, Karen Chapman Lenz, and of course my helpmate, spouse, and fellow flautist Kathleen. Least but not least, I want to thank those who provided hospitality for our Board members: Gerald Haynes, Karen Chapman Lenz, Steve and Pat Smith, Aimee and Langdon Elsbree, and Helen-Jeanne Munter. Let’s hear it for those who made his gathering of Friends possible!

Tonight we are here to repay a debt. We owe a great deal to our writers, but being Quakers, we of course don’t pay such debts in cash. When it comes to writing, Quaker publications take seriously what George Fox used to say: "Owe no man anything but your love." As one who writes quite a bit for Quaker publications myself, I know that Quakers also take literally the Gospel phrase: "Freely we receive, and freely we give." Some of you may recognize that these words are from the Gospel of Matthew. As you may recall, Matthew was a tax collector. This reminds me that we Quaker writers can derive some comfort from the fact that as long as we write for Quaker publications, we will never have to worry about owing extra taxes to the IRS!

Even though Friends Bulletin can’t afford to pay writers with cash, we certainly can and should do our best to re-pay them with love and appreciation. Some of our writers and artists are professionals who donate their work freely. Some have published their first works in Friends Bulletin and then have become professional writers, like Jeanne Lohmann. Some just write for the heaven of it. For all our writers, both professional and amateur, Friends Bulletin is indeed a labor of love.

We are here tonight to express our thanks both to our contributors and to the Source that inspires them and us. To paraphrase William Blake, we honor God by honoring God’s gifts in others. God has bestowed abundant gifts on Western Friends. Even though there are only 3200 members and maybe another two thousand attenders in our three independent Western Yearly Meetings, an abundance of interesting articles and art work never fails to appear each month in our magazine. Just when I think that the there is no more ore in our Western gold mines, I find a whole new rich vein of articles and ideas. I have come to think that the Source is truly inexhaustible.

However, our writers are sometimes so prolific that I have to do a little cutting and pruning. To you writers who have experienced my editorial pruning hook, let me say that I too have had my precious prose put on a diet, as my wife (who is my best editor) will be the first to testify. For example, I had originally planned to have a dozen joke lines at the beginning of my talk, but my wife persuaded me that six were more than enough.

"Less is more" is a lesson that I must continually re-learn, like Quaker simplicity. I much appreciate writers who understand how to write simply and concisely. Surely I am not the only one who yearns for articles that sum up the Meaning of Life in 500 words or less!

Whether prolix or profound, Western Quaker writers have much that’s not only worth printing, but also worth re-printing. One sign that we are publishing valuable material is that other publications are eager to re-print our work. I am pleased that several publications, both in the US and in the UK, have wanted to re-print Robert Griswold’s "No Creed Does Not Mean No Theology." Quaker Universalist Fellowship recently asked for permission to reprint Lanny Jay’s article on worship, along with articles by Marge Abbott and Norm Cooper. I was very pleased to learn that Friends United Meeting Press decided to publish a collection of Margaret Fell’s letters that were edited by Elsa Glynes, whose daughter is with us tonight. FUM Press learned about Elsa’s project through an article that she wrote for our magazine.

An important purpose of our magazine is to highlight exciting new ventures and activities of Friends. I am pleased that one of tonight’s speakers is Robin Durant, who is starting a Friends school. Robin’s first publication in Friends Bulletin was, appropriately enough, a children’s story about a little train with triangular wheels. Only a Quaker would think up such a unique mode of transportation.

I wish that I could give all of writers here tonight a chance to share some words of wisdom, but if I do, we would be here way past Quaker midnight. So I ask you to please save your pearls of wisdom for future publication. There will also be a chance to share some of your inspiration during our time of open worship after I have given out certificates of appreciation.

We will begin tonight’s program with a brief talk by our clerk, Robert Griswold. Robert is known to many of you not only as a writer, but as a Brinton visitor who has visited dozens of meetings and worship groups throughout the West. Robert has deeply studied George Fox’s writings and become an important exponent of Quaker theology. He is also a former principal of Scattergood school with a deep concern for Quaker education. I’m sure that at this intellectual potluck he will provide some excellent food for thought.

E-mail: friendsbulletin@aol.com